Wednesday, November 16, 2005

This Seems Rather Obvious..... To Me At Least

I hope this chick burns herself while holding that lightbulb.

I'm driving down the street one day, and I notice a business entitled "Psychic Readings." Close to this sign is another sign that says "Space for Lease." Apparently this business venture went south, and is no longer in business. My question is simple: Shouldn't they have seen this coming? Isn't this the ultimate oxymoron of life? If a business is totally comprised, or even partially comprised of beings who have psychic abilities, shouldn't they have known that they were going to fail? Did they have a "Back to the Future" moment in which they thought they could alter their own destiny? The answer is no. They spent so much time giving out tarot card readings (bullshit), and telling people that true love is around the corner (bullshit), to realize that their own demise was at hand. Do I believe that psychics exist? Sure. I'm psychic. I know that in about 5 minutes, there will be a blog posted. Does that make me a genius? Nope. The fact that I'm a genius makes me a genius. The bottom line is this: don't ever look for advice from a psychic group that uses neon lights for advertising. It's really just a bunch of crack whores who got old and realized they couldn't scare up any more ass. Instead, they tell people exactly what they want to hear, and believe in the back of their minds that they are inspring someone. The same can be said about chinese fortune cookies, horoscopes, and David Blaine.

On a lighter note: Fuck you Miss Cleo.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Homosexual Marriage Means Heterosexual Benefits?

The only two gay man I hate: For entirely different reasons.

With Proposition 2 in voting booths right now, the debate over homosexual marriage has been a little more talked about lately. For those of you who do not know, if Proposition 2 is passed homosexual marriage will be banned. Some people are all for banning marriage for gay men and women, others are not. I am an “other.” For numerous reasons, I feel that gay marriage is something that is becoming increasingly inevitable in America. With larger and larger numbers of people coming out and admitting to their sexual orientation, it is only a matter of time before these men and women get their voices heard. I, as a heterosexual male, voted against Proposition 2 in an attempt to keep the possibility alive. I am Catholic, and therefore this goes against the beliefs of my faith, but so do a lot of things that I believe, do, and encourage. I’m going to hell; I already know this. My reasons for voting the way I did may surprise you, but let me explain. I voted against Proposition 2 for two very simple reasons. Number 1: I believe that I have no place to tell people what will make them happy in a relationship. I know that when I find a woman that I love, no one will be able to convince me otherwise unless the relationship is detrimental to my mental or physical health. Number 2: I believe I can benefit monetarily from gay marriage.

That’s right. I said I believe I can benefit monetarily from gay marriage being allowed in the United States. How you ask? I will tell you. Upon talking to my friend Kevin, we’ve realized that taxes suck for people who are unmarried in the United States, and are far easier for those who are married. There are numerous tax breaks that married men and women can take advantage of that make that semi warm day in April seem a lot less intimidating. That’s why I’ve decided that if gay marriage is allowed, Kevin and I will con the IRS and get married. It would be as simple as going into the county courthouse, filling out some paperwork, and BAM: I pay less money to the government every year. Furthermore, we’d just cheat on each other, A LOT. It's simply a way to live a permanent bachelor's life, while enjoying monetary married benefits! We wouldn’t even have to live in the same state! I wouldn’t even call it a “marriage.” More like a business merger where both individuals enter into a deal for mutual monetary benefit. Granted there are a few tax bi laws I'd have to navigate through, but that shouldn't be a problem. Now should the time come where either of us find a woman that we want to marry (unlikely), and that wants to marry one of us (even more unlikely), we’d simply get a divorce, then continue receiving tax benefits from our new hetero marriage. Now here’s the question you might ask: “Why can’t you just marry one of your platonic female friends and get the same benefits?” This is also a possibility, but a bad idea overall. This actually happens quite a bit surprisingly. When someone needs to extend their citizenship or something like that, it’s quite common that a man and woman will get married for reasons other than love. The problem is this: When a man and woman enter into a platonic relationship with that title of “marriage” above their head, for some reason, it tends to mess with their minds. Men are dumb, and women have something called “feelings” or something (I don’t know what these “feelings” are or what they do, I just read about it in some magazine about oil, and guns and stuff), and somewhere along the line someone always tends to get hurt. Jealousy ensues, then someone gets sued, and a divorce is issued. If you marry someone of your same sex, that can’t happen! If for some reason it does, and your partner falls in love with you, awkardness begins, you kill them, and collect on the insurance. There would be no affection, no sex, and probably no talking from either party during the marriage. All this would be replaced with drinking beer, playing ping pong, watching sports, and cheating on each other with women. I know I’m not gay, but the government doesn’t. Trust me, this is a good idea.

I did however have a question about the entire idea of gay marriage. If a law passes that allows for same sex marriage, does that effect the common law marriage as well? Suddenly, if two dudes are living together as roommates for a couple of years, are they suddenly Husband and Husband under common law marriage? After all, if they can do that to a man and woman, wouldn’t it be prejudice to not uphold the same laws and practices to two men or two women? Food for thought.

Finally, there’s the other side of this debate. People may oppose same sex marriages for a variety of reasons. The main one that I’ve heard lately is that two people of the same gender coming together taints the sanctity of marriage. It takes away from the sacredness of a Holy Union between a man and a woman. I say we’ve been tainting this Holy Union for years now and no one has cared. If you want to start bringing some honor back to marriage, stop these pop stars from getting married and divorced all within the same hour of the day. Shut down the “Chapel O’ Love” and all the other marriage shops in Vegas where people travel to in a drunken stupor, get married, and can pick up a cheeseburger on the way out. Marriage as a formal and sacred event has become an increasing joke to America over the years. It isn’t marriage itself that’s important, it’s the love that two people have for each other. That’s all that really matters. If two people of differing or same genders wish to proclaim their love, let them. You don’t have to watch them kiss, just look away and pretend that they’re just doing high fives or something.

So go out and vote against Proposition 2. The money you save could be your own.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Let My People Go.....

He'd totally back me on this.

Affirmative Action is wrong on every level. Before you consider me racist and lynch me, consider the following blog….

I am not racist.

During its original implementation in 1965, Affirmative Action was put into place by President Johnson as a direct way to not only uphold equality in America, but to create a more proactive to correcting the problems that were prevalent during segregation. The idea was simple: Create a system that allowed for previously oppressed minorities that forces institutions such as schools and businesses to incorporate these cultures, and allow them a chance to succeed. The system worked, and was originally thought to be a temporary fix that would be phased out as soon as their was a “level playing field,” however, the system worked too well, and began to give preferential treatment to those who Johnson was originally trying to help.

I am not racist.

The bottom line, Affirmative Action in today’s society is outdated, and does not work. Businesses and educational institutions have begun discriminating against the majority class in an attempt to uphold minority rights. While it is true that in the past jobs were harder to find due to racial discrimination in the past, it’s ignorant to think that this sort of handicap is still necessary in today’s society. Nowadays businesses don’t hire their employees based off of their racial ethnicity. The reason for this? It’s too expensive. For a company to not hire the most qualified applicant simply due to the color of their skin is inefficient and detrimental to everyone else in the company. The same is true when a company CANNOT hire the most qualified applicant due to Affirmative Action quota laws that have been put in place by the US government. These laws force companies to hire a certain percentage of minority employees based off of loose guidelines required for that particular job. This leaves hard working people who are more qualified out to dry, simply because they are a part of the majority white class. Reverse discrimination is a bitch. College institutions have already done away with this practice for the most part, as their quotas have been lightened due to a Supreme Court ruling. Scholarships and research grants are still being affected by Affirmative Action however. These handouts seem like an insult to all those people who have worked hard their entire lives for what they have, but as soon as they ask for a job, it’s given to them almost out of pity. I’d be personally insulted, and numerous black friends of mine feel the same way. If America was prides itself as being a country where any man can put on his working boots, and build a life for himself from the ground up, why is the government deciding that it should be easier for some rather than others? The bottom line is that Affirmative Action creates a negative image for all those who use their quotas to get jobs. Even those who got the jobs due to their qualifications alone will always have those around them wondering if they got their job due to their education alone. It is not a good system. There are literally millions of people who are considered a minority who are far more brilliant than myself, and I would like to think they got their job above me because of this, not because of the color of their skin.

I am not racist.

My question is this: Will there be a time when America looks at whites as part of this minority and begins handing us help? With the Hispanic community popping out babies like it’s going out of style, experts estimate that within 30 years they could become the new majority in the United States. Will Affirmative Action begin to crack down on Hispanic employment at this point? Will I be able to file for discrimination? I just don’t see it happening.

I am not racist.

The idea of a “level playing field” is what all America should strive for. My idea is to incorporate the ideals of a professional sports team. Whether it be the NFL, NBA, or NHL, no professional team creates a roster based off of an affirmative action rule. There is no quota for how many Black, White, Hispanic, or Asian players have to be on each team. Each team creates a roster based off the best possible players that they have to choose from. Professional hockey is notorious for not having a large group of African American players, and everyone’s ok with that. Why? Most black people don’t want to play hockey. The ones that do are fantastic. Hooray. The NFL and NBA is comprised of over 68% African American players, and ALL the other cultures in the world make up the remaining 32%. Anyone care? Nope. Those are the best possible players for the job. Even in the NFL, where on average white players make 10% less money, no one cares. Why? Payment is based off of talent, and other players have proven they deserve the money more, with the exception of Terrell Owens, who is a prick.

I am not racist.

Affirmative Action goes against the very principles that the Civil Rights movement tried to bring to light. It goes against the very words of its leader Martin Luther King Jr. “I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.” By giving unfair advantages to anyone due to their skin tone for any reason other than to manage a tanning shop, we are going against the very principles of freedom and equality. If we could only come up with a system where all people are looked at as PEOPLE. Not Black, White, Hispanic, Asian, or anything in between. This system means greater profits for businesses, and greater prosperity in the truest sense of the American way.

I am not racist.

Affirmative Action is bad. Equality is good.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Observations Of a Dumbass World

Let's face it, people are dumb. That's why it's my job as an educated person to point out all the odd things that I see, and make fun of them accordingly. These are all things that I've noticed, tried to make sense of: but in the end, could not. There is no specific category of stupidity I am looking for, as I have noticed it in all facets of society. Now I will inflict this pain upon you.

Tourists... why?? This is a picture of a man who came into my store from Italy a couple days ago. If you'll notice the plethora of straps that he's incorporated into his wardrobe, then you'll notice that he's the newest wave of the stereotypical tourist. The original tourist incorporated a single strap into their wardrobe to carry their oversized camera so they could take a snapshot of everything that a normal person wouldn't care about. His slide shows went like this: "This is me in front of a rock." "This is me looking at my map." "This is me and some girl I paid to take a picture with me." Nowadays, while the slideshow may be the same trite material, then camera is tucked away in a fabric case that hangs from around his neck and on top of his pasta filled belly. Next we'll notice the matching cell phone case that hangs around his neck as well. I'm guessing this eventualy leads to come neck chaffing. This is quite possibly the dumbest place I can think of to keep a cell phone, second only to around your neck on your back if you'd like to get your stuff stolen. This leads to me the final piece of "Tourist Brilliance." I call it the "Neo Fanny Pack." This is the large thick strap that is draped across this man's chest and leads to the oversized pack in the back. This contains his cash, traveler's checks, passports, and all other things that make his life abroad possible. I guess it would make sense to leave it on your back, out of view, with only a zipper for security. Then they're suprised when stuff gets stolen, and they call all Americans thieves. Dumbass. Tourists suck, just give us your money and go home. There's no need for you to hang around and piss us off with your half ass english.

Drive up ATM machines have gone from dumb to regionally retarded. The idea behind them is to create a convenient way for bank customers to obtain cash from their bank accounts after bank hours. Originally they put braile on these ATM's for the blind, which makes less sense than Scientology. Now these assholes have decided to create a headphone jack on their ATMs for those who are hard of hearing. Apparently there was a huge outcry from the public so that these disabled people could hear the incredibly helpful "Boop" sound that is prevalent during transactions. Am I the only one who hates this sound, combined with the sound at the Pay at the Pump "Boop" at most major gas stations to the point of homicide? Show me one person who uses this headphone jack, and I'll show you one person who needs a good bludgeoning. People are paid decent salaries every year by this bank to come up with ways to improve customer service and make me happier, and this is the crap they come up with. Those who are hard of hearing want to hear beautiful music, poetry, and their families tell them that they love them.... not an annoying "Boop." One year they'll figure out the best way to keep me happy is to fire these brilliant idea men and put their salaries in my account. I hope they get a spoon stuck in their ear and go deaf.

It used to be that when I felt the need for inspiration, or words of encouragement, I would turn to the Church, the Bible, or my friends and family. It was these time honored providers of encouragement that got me through the first 21 years of life, but eventually I had to move on. Luckily, I live next to "Securelock Storage." Everyday I can drive by this Holiest of Storage Facilities and feel enlightened and ready to take on the day ahead. This honestly makes no sense to me. Apparently the marketing arm of this company decided that instead of trying to attract new customers with advertisements promising discounts and specials, they should try and inspire their customers to new levels of joy, happiness, and personal content. I have never seen a single real billboard made by this company. Week after week they take an inspirational message and post it, hoping that enlightened passers by will suddenly want to store their belongings and go in search of God, Allah, the Dhali Llama, and/or Elvis. They'll be out of business within the year once they get depressed enough. Irony's a bitch.

Like I said: People are dumb. This will not be the last of such posts by me as I'm sure the stupidity of the world will never cease. It is my job as one of the few "All Knowing Human Beings" to bring these things to the light of the world. I'm sure one day I'll see a man selling Visine to the blind, or someone buying new windshield wipers or headlights simply because Daylight Savings's Time is coming. When I see such things, you will know. To those who understand why these things hurt my brain: I thank you for your support. To those causing such pain with your painfully low IQ: Have a crappy week, and I hope your house burns down.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Natural Selection = Necessary

It has been a long time philosophy that the world we live in is inhabited in large part by people who have an accumulated IQ of 43. Due to this overwhelming stupidity, we've created a system of warnings and precautions that would lead even the most dimwitted of people to safety out of their proverbial paper bag. Upon viewing several of these warning signs, I feel the world would be a better place if we just let nature take its course. Here are a few examples:

Lesson to be learned: "Do not run over your children with a tractor." My thoughts: go right ahead. Obviously if this is a serious problem that you are having trouble avoiding, we don't need generations of your dimwitted children running around, plus you probably have a few extras running around as well. I'm surprised your sperm had the ability to find the egg. Dumbass.

This is a ladder. Quite possibly one of the most simple inventions on the face of the planet. Is there really someone out there who looks at a ladder, something that allows you to climb higher than your normal height, and doesn't see the obvious possibility of danger? Is this necessary? Are there people attempting backflip dismounts with a quarter twist? Furthermore, is there really an instruction manual to use a ladder? One page: "Climb up and don't fall, but if you do, fall hard enough to die. It'll be better for everyone."

This warning has the audacity to come on the packaging for a computer. Apparently computers are becoming so user friendly that people who have fears of small plastic bags are using them now. Now I know how fun it looks to place a plastic bag over your head, close off all air holes, and breathe in deeply, but....... wait, what the hell? This is a decently complicated process to be considered an accident. If this ends up happening to someone on accident...... I'll buy them a coke.

"Don't get in fights with bulldozers. They will hit you in the head and kill you." The problem that I'm having with this is simple: I'm guessing this happened to someone at some point, someone else got sued, and they were forced to slap this piece of crap on the side of a bulldozer. I bet this same guy had gotten hit by a few cars when he tried to sit down in the middle of the highway. The world is now a better place.

In all honesty, there really is nothing wrong with this warning. I just think it's hilarious. I mean look at that stick figure. He's hauling ass! My guess is he set the fire and he's getting the hell outta there. "If you are flammable and have legs, you can never be blocking the fire exit."- Mitch Hedburg is a genius.

With the exception of the last one, I believe my case for natural selection instead of cautionary signs has been set. It's obvious that we're quickly becoming the dumbest country on the planet, and I just don't think we need to advertise that to the world when we ship our products abroad. Join me in my campaign for a more intelligent America, one not slowed down by tractor driving retards with kids who lay down on the lawn while it's being mowed. Natural Selection: It's the only selection.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Top Ten Reasons I Hate The New York Yankees

While this year none of my favorite teams made it very far into the post season, I cannot say that I have not enjoyed watching the playoffs thus far. I have had the distinct pleasure of watching the demise of a baseball club of which I loathe more than anything else on the planet. I thought I would take this time to share my jubilation with you by giving you the top ten reasons I hate the New York Yankees.

Top Ten Reasons I Hate The New York Yankees
10. This year in the playoffs they lost to the team with the single most homosexual name in professional sports; the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. First of all, that name doesn't even make sense considering Los Angeles and Anaheim are two separate cities, and on top of that, it's a name created for fairies. The only nationally known team with a more homosexual name is the collegiate level Rainbow Warriors of Hawaii. Either way, these fairies were still more masculine than the Yankees and hurt them. Good for them.

9. Despite only winning for one third of this season, they still managed to fool people into thinking they were the favorites to win the World Series. This is simply because they've always won. People are so worthless in their thinking that they immediately jump on the "Sure Fire Yankees Bandwagon" the second they win a game or two. This was a deflated team with a few patches that only held their hot air for a short while. Guess what, they lost. You suck.

8. Their big acquisition during the off season was Randy Johnson. They believed this was the kind of experience they needed in their bullpen to win another World Series after they were beaten wonderfully by the Red Sox last year. I tear up every time I think of it. They problem is this: Randy Johnson is old, hurt, and he sucks. Now they lost and they know that. Fantastic.

That's just not right.....

7. Jason Giambi still plays for them. He cheated. This is a man who voluntarily stuck a needle into his ass in order to make himself get bigger. Undoubtedly this isn't the only foreign substance he's had in his ass repeatedly that made him bigger. Steroid users should be banned from baseball, and all sports for that matter. Instead, they've decided to nominate him as an MVP Candidate. I hope he dies.

Before Steriods.......

After Steroids.....

6. Gary Sheffield's abillity to throw a hissy fit like a little girl and have everyone bend over for him. The man was threatened to be traded so that the team could aquire some real players who were willing to sell their soul to Satan and play for this team, but his tactic to avoid such a trade was to play half ass. He promised that if he was traded to any other team, he wouldn't play to his full potential and cause the other teams to lose. Be a fucking man and do your job. Swing the bat. Ass.
Yooouuuu're out!..... of dignity.

5. Flagrant homosexual behavior exuded by the members of the outfield. They've often times been seen on top of each other while trying to share the glory of catching balls with each other.

Stop it.

4. Their most effective closer is the Taco Bell Dog.

I can't tell which is which.

3. The obvious homosexual relationship that has developed between Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez. These two are madly in love, and it's distracting to the game of baseball. We turn on the tv to watch a good and decent game, but we have to see these two humping each other all night. I hope they both contract numerous diseases.

That's not even close to a "chest bump."

2. This team tries to go out and buy championships, rather than develop teams from within and give younger players a shot. This year alone the New York Yankees spent $205,958,439 on payroll alone. That is more than Kansas City, Tampa Bay, Pittsburgh, Milwaukee, Cleveland and Toronto COMBINED. These assholes even paid an additional $30,367,531 in luxury taxes because they went over the salary cap. That's less than $6,000,000 less than all of Kansas City's payroll. Despite all this money they spent, they still lost. Justice is served, now eat shit.

1. They're the fucking Yankees. Enough said.

I'm going to adopt this kid. Awesome.

While my Chicago Cubs may never win the World Series in my lifetime, I am still content because each and every time the Yankees lose, I have a little party in my head. Life is good.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Florida's Doing Something Right

He's heading there too.

Finally, In my infinite wisdom, I have found a use for the state of Florida. The American government could take a page out of the English history books, and use this place how England used Australia for so many years. They could make Florida the biggest "Old Folks Home" on the planet. No car dealerships are welcome, as all transportation is public in the form of buses, trains or monorails. Walking becomes illegal after 6 pm, and everything turns off at 7 pm for bedtime. Anyone caught violating this law will have their canes immediately stripped from them, further disabling them from walking anywhere for 30 days. They will be subsequently beaten with their own canes, or forced to listen to rap music depending on the severity of the infraction. Also, the selling of anything larger than a twin bed is illegal, and we all know why. The sale of bathing suits or any other form of clothing that shows any kind of body skin is strictly prohibited, and heavily enforced. The punishment for this offense is death. Prune farmers would only have one market to sell to, making their jobs that much easier, while alleviating space in the rest of America’s food markets. Furthermore, pharmaceutical companies would set up their company bases in the states directly adjacent to Florida allowing for a more efficient distribution process. Mass American transit on interstates and residential streets would increase in speed around the rest of the country by 600% (I calculated it), and time saved by the average American could be up to 3 hours per day because they wouldn't have an old person to tell them a story that didn’t make any sense. In addition, American students would be able to retain 40% more knowledge per day due to the lack of aforementioned “old people stories that suck because they make no sense.” This is a win-win situation for all who are involved. They get to go to Florida, and we never have to see them again. By the way, anyone who thinks it’s wrong to imprison old people in Florida can go there with them, and enjoy the smell of Icy-Hot for the rest of their God-given lives.


If you believe this isn't a crunch, I hope this machine breaks you.

Undoubtedly most of you have seen these commercials for the miracle machine known as the “Ab Lounge,” that promises the most amazing six pack abs anyone could ever dream of without ever doing a single crunch……ever. Instead you get to do a steady set of “Ab Lounge Advanced Jackknife” techniques while you watch some girl with a beer belly on the included video show you how to use this machine in the most obvious ways concieved by man. Honestly, anyone who believes that these techniques aren’t actually crunches is an “Ab Lounge Advanced Jackass.” This is the same demographic that believes that the "3 Second Abs" machine takes three seconds. It's three seconds per repitition dumbass. Add it all up, and it's a fucking long time! It’s these kind of people in America who are the reason we have a 64.5% obesity rate in America. To be fair, I own this machine and it works, but that’s only because I understand to use it in conjunction with a healthy diet, and alternate exercise. This is a concept that a lot of people cannot seem to get on board with. They would rather suspend disbelief on a 30 day miracle diet or workout machine rather than accepting the facts and working towards a six month meal plan and workout schedule. I happen to be in the habit of traveling far beyond the viewing distance of my television into the outside world where I interact and communicate with other people of similar fitness and social goals. It's a radical idea, I know.

64.5% of all American adults are obese. That’s nearly two out of every 3 people need to use the handicap stalls in restrooms because they don’t fit. This hasn’t even considered all the little porkers running around in our schools. These kids look up to those 64.5% of adults and rarely see the 33.5% of healthy kick ass adults. They may see these rare adults and think “Wow, that’s totally awesome and I wish I could look like that, but I think I’ll take the easy road and be like Mrs. Lardass and eat my 5 corndogs and 3 chocolate cakes that I can get for a dollar in the lunch lines. Then I’ll wash it all down with a nice can o’ sugar.” This malnutition is also because of negligent fatass parents who are often times too busy or too lazy to wake up and put together a nutritous well balanced meal for their child’s lunch. If your parents didn’t do this for you, they didn’t love you. Then they wonder why their child’s grades are going to hell, as well as their conduct in the classroom. It would make sense to look at their sugar filled diets as the reason for why they are too hyper to pay attention, then too tired to participate shortly after, but that would lead to changes in the public school system. Non-lucrative changes.

Food distributors who believe in focusing on cramming as many calories as they can into an individual meal for a cheaper price rather than working towards a more nutricious solution make up for over 75% of the public school meal planners. Meanwhile, fatass superintendents keep signing contract extensions with these food companies knowing the consequences and effects it has on children, all while blaming super kick ass movies and video games for the children’s problems. I gain solace from knowing that these men and women will die of “heart” attacks from the very food they made their money with. I put heart in quotations because these people have no heart, and are inherintly Satan. Parents are equally to blame nowadays with the whole “prescribe pills first, parent later” mentality that puts numerous children on ADD or ADHD medication when they don’t need it. Don’t even get me started on these poor excuse for parents who are too scared of being an “uncool parent” to tell their kids “no” when they throw the family cat across the room. So instead they find another person to tell their kids they have problems. I'd like to ADD my foot up their ass. That’s coming soon in an upcoming post.

These kids need role models, and a chance to find another food outlet other than the McDonalds, Taco Bell, and Wendy’s that’s conveniently less than a half mile from their school. They also need a better after school workout than thinking about looking for the remote control. If you let little girls and boys grow up eating only Ho Ho’s and Cupcakes, than that’s exactly what they’ll become in their adult lives. Ho ho’s and Cupcakes. The bottom line to all this: stop being lazy and do yourself and everyone else a favor. Stop dying and start working out. If you start crying about how hard it is, I’ll kick you in the nuts, seriously. If you try to use metabolism boosting substances that are sold on informercials, I’ll come over and force feed you until you are too fat to wear anything but a Moo-moo. Do it right, or I’ll hurt you. If you decide to stay fat, get big enough to where people think you look jolly. People only like fat people if they’re jolly or rich. If you are neither of those, lose weight. By the way, if anyone has tried using ephedra to lose weight since it was banned, and hasn’t died yet, get on that.